Previously: Max stares at Alessia creepily while she cleans.
—
Marines: Alessia is super excited because she’s entering his apartment. Will she ever use his name in this book or is that going to be the emotional climax. She looks at him and goes “Mist… I mean Max.”
Sweeney: STOP I HATE IT.
Mari: The alarm is off, which means he’s here. She tells us about spending the previous night dreaming about him, you might say she woke up wet. And then she used the umbrella he loaned her this morning on the way to work, so you might say it kept her dry. <3
Rebecca: Well I just gagged, so thanks for that.
Mari: Just doing my best.
Alessia quickly pulls off her boots, and puts the umbrella of love down, but when she walks into the kitchen, she’s caught off guard by the blonde woman sitting there, wearing nothing but his shirt. Caroline smiles at Alessia, who just scurries off toward the laundry room. Once she’s there, she asks herself questions about who this woman is and why she’s wearing his shirt. A shirt Alessia ironed, thank you very much. It’s a weird thing for her to think, and it highlights the inherent weirdness you have to decide what to do with if you are going to have a boss/paid subordinate romance. Having the maid think “why is she wearing his shirt? I IRONED THAT!” isn’t quite the thoughtful approach I would recommend.
Alessia thinks that this woman in his shirt she ironed must know Max intimately, and of course he’s with someone. I mean, I thought we covered that with all the used condoms in his waste basket? I know it was empty yesterday, but a single day seems like not enough time for Alessia to be like CURSES! OF COURSE HE’S BANGING! I repeat: used. condoms.
Sweeney: she is the one!!! obsessing over!!! the used condoms!!!! GIRL.
Mari: The melodrama continues as Alessia tells her that her sexy dreams lie in shards at her feet.
“Her face clouds as disappointment constricts her heart.”
Eye clouds were HUGE in Fifty Shades, so I’m happy to report that we have face clouds here. Not as good as eye clouds, but still.
Sweeney: here I made u something
Alessia sighs, slips on her housecoat, and asks herself why Max would ever want her, the cleaner. In case the whole “dreams in shards at her feet” thing wasn’t a good enough picture for your mind canvas, Alessia also tells us that the bubble of joy she woke up with has burst.
Rebecca: You must fit 2 cliché metaphors in every emotion or it doesn’t count.
Mari: From the Book of James chapter 378.
She gets to her chores, ironing the clean laundry, and tells us this is where she belongs and this is what she was raised to do: keep house and look after a man. She does tell herself that at least she can admire him from afar.
Max is having that dream again where Alessia is standing in the doorway. He invites her into his bed, but she turns and walks into the drawing room. And then in his dream, she’s polishing the piano again and wow, that really made him hot, huh? Suddenly, she’s only wearing pink panties. He reaches out to touch her, but she disappears. This is very deep, I wonder what it means.
Caroline wakes Max up with some coffee.
“I groan, reluctant to wake. A large part of my anatomy is also enjoying my dream.”
…your skin? Your leg? I have news for you about how large your penis is compared to the rest of your anatomy. But I think his point is that he woke up with an erection. He’s thankful he’s sleeping on his stomach, so Caroline won’t see it.
Rebecca: He also refers to Caroline as his sister-in-law, and okay I knew she was, but him saying it makes me extra queasy and uncomfortable with every that is happening/has happened/will happen in the future.
Mari: Caroline says that he has no food and wonders if they should go out to eat. Max is just groaning at her because he wants her to go away. Caroline says that she met the new daily, who is very young. That’s when Max goes, “shit! Alessia is here?” He rolls over and Caroline is like “HELLO THERE, want be to get back in bed?” Max asks if she made coffee “dressed like that,” so he probably knows what Alessia assumed here. Caro has no idea what’s going on, she she asks if her body offends him or if he’s mad she’s wearing one of his shirts. Max laughs it off, and says her body wouldn’t offend anyone. Caroline smiles ironically and says that he doesn’t want it though. I like that she’s like “there must be something wrong with me” rather than “my husband, his brother, died like yesterday so maybe that has something to do with it.”
Sweeney: The juxtaposition between the moments where they tell us HOW FRESH THEIR GRIEF IS set against basically all of their actions is… really something.
Rebecca: She literally goes from, “Please fuck me, my brother-in-law” to weeping over her dead husband in half a page.
Mari: Can you get whiplash from reading a book?
Caroline asks if Max has met someone else because we gotta get this drama moving and that is very definitely the only logical conclusion. Max doesn’t want to go over this again. He says they can’t have sex, and anyway, didn’t say she was “on.” Caro says that “surfing the crimson tide” has never been an issue for him. Max is legit surprised he ever told her that and apologizes for oversharing. In his head, he thinks “women! They fucking remember everything.”
I’m not sure about “everything,” but I feel like I would definitely remember if my best friend/boyfriend/boyfriend’s little brother (depending how many years ago this happened) looked me in my face and said he like to surf the crimson tide. I just think that’s memorable.
Rebecca: Yes, that would certainly be Memorable. And Concerning. And Gross. Heyyy look, a new title for the book!
Mari: Caroline gets sad now at the reminder that she does have her period and isn’t pregnant. She cries about how they tried for a baby for two years, and now Kit’s gone, and she has nothing. Max curses himself for being an idiot and pulls her into a hug so she can cry. He more gently tells her that they can’t keep doing this while they are grieving. It isn’t fair to either of them or to Kit. And she didn’t lose everything. She has her own money, and she has the house. Max says they’ll work out a stipend for her if she needs it. He even tells her about the idea of having her do the interior design for the apartments they are building. He kisses her hair and tells her that he’ll always be here for her, but not as a distraction. As a friend and as a brother-in-law.
This is really surprisingly mature and well-articulated. So of course Caroline turns to him and ask if this is because she chose Kit instead of Max. Like… GIRL. Did you not hear the whole thing he just said? Max is like “let’s not” and so Caro goes “is it because you’ve found someone else? Who is she?” Is… Caroline… the worst or…?
Sweeney: I’m always genuinely furious in these bad books when a side character is, in fact, worse than one of our terrible protagonists. Because yeah, ok, by the sliding scale of this world, Caroline has now set a low standard that Max need only trip over to earn Book Adjusted Good Guy Points. But he’ll never live up to the standard set by Henry.
Rebecca: She really is using a horrible woman to make Max look somewhat decent isn’t she? He’s still a piece of shit, James, and I won’t forget it!!!
Mari: You can fool many, but you can’t fool us.
Max cuts off the conversation by suggesting they go get breakfast. He showers and dresses quickly, and is relieved to find that Caroline is still in the guest room when he finishes. He takes his coffee cup to the kitchen, his heartbeat speeding up at either excitement or nervousness at seeing Alessia. He finds her in the laundry room so, oh, goody! We get to have another the boss sexualizes the subordinate while she’s busy doing her job and minding her business.
“She irons with the same sensuous grace I noticed the other day, in long easy strokes, her brow furrowed in concentration.”
Long… easy… strokes. Back and forth and back and forth with that *checks notes* iron.
Rebecca: Oh, baby, slow down I’m getting hotter than that iron.
Mari: Alessia looks up and finds Max staring at her. Max greets her and says he didn’t mean to startle her. I mean, you snuck up on her and didn’t announce your presence so maybe you did mean to startle her. Alessia stares at the iron instead of looking at Max. He wonders why she won’t meet his eyes. All the behavior this woman has exhibited has been extreme discomfort and nervousness around him. And he’s just like “what is going on here??? Maybe if I stare at her more???”
Max tells her that he’s going to take his SISTER-IN-LAW out for breakfast. “Why am I telling her this?” I’m also so very over this whole “why am I doing this?” “why am I feeling this why?” “why does she have this effect on me” lather, rinse, repeat. I know, it’s only chapter six, but COME ON. One hot scene ago, Max literally had the thought “oh no! Alessia probably saw Caro in my shirt and made a wrong assumption.” So he found her, pointedly clarifies the relationship and then wonders “why am I telling her this?” My boy. Let’s keep up, shall we?
Sweeney: There is just so much padding! It would not make this book good but wow could it be improved by removing all this extremely useless repetition. I would absolutely prefer the 200 page version of this book to the 500 page version and not only because of how it contains 300 fewer pages.
Rebecca: I almost wish I had the energy to collect every repetitive sentence in this book to see what’s left. My eyes glaze over the internal rhetorical questions so damn much.
Mari: Alessia just flutters her eyelashes a lot and Max graciously interprets this as her processing the information. Max asks her to change the sheets in the guest bedroom. Alessia just nods silently, not looking at Max, her teeth worrying her upper lip. This all reads so painfully awkward to me, but never fear, Max doesn’t need much to be turned on, and wishes those teeth were on him.
He tells her that he’ll leave the money where he normally does, and she finally looks up at him and thanks “Mister.” Max tells her that his name is Maxim, and he wants to hear her say his name, but she just smiles at him. And then Caroline is the one calling him. She finds them in the laundry room, and Max awkwardly introduces her as his friend and sister-in-law. Caroline looks at him like
Back to Alessia’s POV as she keeps processing “sister-in-law.” She keeps ironing, saying sister-in-law in English and Albanian, and making herself smile. He’d never sleep with his sister-in-law, right girl! All smiles here.
Later, Alessia strips the bed in guest room and feels relieved that they’ve been used. But just to make double sure, when she’s in Max’s room, she looks in the wastebasket: no used condoms. PHEW. She’s happy again.
Rebecca: At this point, I’m so grossed out at this book I’m not even sure what’s grossing me out anymore. Everything? Just. Stop making me think about sister-in-law sex and used condoms, I’m begging.
Mari: Max. In a cab, Caroline is if the new woman is Alessia. He tells her not to be ridiculous, which she points out is not a no. He says he’s not going to dignify that with a response, but he blushes and wonders how he gave himself away. Again, sir, there’s no need to wonder. You introduced Caroline as “um… Caroline.” because you were so horny in the presence of your daily.
Caroline says she’s never seen him so solicitous with the staff. Max scowls at her and asks if Mrs. Blake is the one who hired Krystyna in the first place, considering he was a little surprised that she upped and left without a goodbye, leaving “Miss Albania” in her place. Caroline tells him to get rid of the girl if he doesn’t like her, but Max says that’s not what he’s saying. Caroline thinks he’s acting pretty bloody weird about her. Max says nuh-uh. Caroline says whatever.
Rebecca: Despite the mention of the Thames every 10 seconds I legit forgot they’re supposed to be British until the use of the word ‘bloody’ there.
Mari: As they ride on in silence, Max thinks about all the things he wants to know about Alessia, like what brought her to the UK, her age, and where she lives. “I could follow her home,” he thinks, but then immediately calls himself a stalker. To echo Caroline, that’s not a no, you won’t do it. Max considers asking her, but he knows she’s reluctant to talk. Is she reluctant to talk to him only? The thought depresses him, so he sulks and looks out the cab window, out to the rain.
“Is it that she’s so mysterious?
That she’s from a completely different background to me?
The fact that she works for me?
That makes her off-limits.
Fuck.”
This is very othering and also very privileged thinking all at once, so I’m glad we played this game again again again.
Sweeney: Thanks, I hate it!
Mari: The truth is, Max decides, he wants to bed her (R: wait he DOES?! He’s hiding it so well!!!), and he doesn’t know how to make that happen because Alessia won’t talk to or look at him. Maybe she finds him repellent. (R: I sure do!) Maybe she just doesn’t like him. Maybe she goes through all his stuff when he’s not around and that’s why she doesn’t like him. Caroline pipes in with a “she seems terrified of you.” Max asks who, like he doesn’t know, but when Caroline clarifies that she means Alessia, Max says he’s her boss.
Caroline repeats that he’s awfully touchy about her, and she thinks Alessia is terrified of him because she’s crazy about him. That’s a lot to gather from one conversation next to an ironing board, but she’s right, so here we are. (S: It might not make any fucking sense but I’m grateful for the attempt at liberating us from the mutual attraction & mutual BuT iT cAn’T bE rEciPrOcAtEd ouroboros this book has us trapped in, so thanks for that Caroline.) Max says that’s nonsense. Alessia can barely be in the same room with him. Caroline sighs because her role now is to explain everyone’s feelings, I guess, and now I kind of feel bad that I called her the worst since she’s carrying this story on her back. (S: +1) She explains that Alessia can’t be in the same room with him because she likes him and doesn’t want to give herself away. Max insists that she’s his daily and hopes he’s thrown Caroline off the scent.
She does finally change the subject to getting back to work, as Max’s mom suggested. She thinks she needs time, seeing as how they just buried Kit two weeks ago. I’d say. This is kind of weird time to be like “need a hobby, girlfriend?” Max thinks about how much he misses Kit, too, and I guess to prove it, corrects Caroline in his head: it’s been 13 days since the burial and 22 since he’d died.
Sweeney: It’s so irritatingly petty, too? He just straight up you-need-a-hobby’d his dead brother’s grieving widow and then has the audacity to turn around and be all “you’re not grieving I’M grieving THIRTEEN days.” Bitch that’s 2 weeks. Shut the fuck up.
Rebecca: She is also wearing Kit’s sweater and sniffed it deeply and I got horrifying A Discovery of Witches flashbacks.
Mari: We cut to Max running up the stairs to his flat. Breakfast took longer than expected and he has a meeting with Oliver soon. He hears music coming from his apartment and wonders if Alessia is playing something. He doesn’t know how she would, seeing as how she doesn’t have the password to his computer and she doesn’t strike him as someone with a smart phone. Maybe pay her more, dick.
When he’s inside, he realizes that that Alessia is playing the piano. He sneaks up on her and admires her playing, saying she’s giving a performance worthy of any concerting pianist. When she finishes the piece, Max hides so she won’t see him. She doesn’t look up, though and keeps playing. He realizes that Alessia isn’t reading music– she’s playing by memory. “Good God. She’s a fucking virtuoso.” I can’t begin to explain why I find Good God She’s A Fucking Virtuoso hilarious, but I do, dear readers. I do.
Sweeney: for u 
The doorbell rings and Alessia stops playing, Max doesn’t want to get caught creeping, so he runs to answer the door. It’s Oliver, who comes in and stares at Alessia, who is standing in the drawing-room doorway. Max starts to say something to her, but she runs off to kitchen. He sends Oliver to the drawing room and says he needs a word with his daily, first.
He takes a deep breath and finds Alessia in the kitchen, freaking out, struggling into her anorak. She’s apologizing profusely without being able to meet Max’s eyes. Max tries to calm her down, offering to help her with her coat. He takes this chance to tell us how cheap, thin and nasty it is, so again I say: fucking pay her.
Sweeney: SIR. You are directly responsible for how much money she has!
Mari: He sees that the coat has the name Michael Janeczek stitched into it, which he assumes is her boyfriend, because I don’t think he knows how poor people obtain their clothing. He’s sad that she maybe has a boyfriend.
Rebecca: Just. Back to thinking of someone else for 0.5 seconds before immediately diving into BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?! territory. Shut up, Max.
Mari: Alessia apologizes again to Mister and tells him she won’t do it again. Max tells her that she is a pleasure to hear play and that she can play any time. “Even if you do have a boyfriend,” he thinks. How magnanimous. Alessia is still staring at the floor, and Max can’t resist getting closer, and tilting her chin up to look at him. He tells her he means it. She can play any time. And before he can stop himself, he pets her bottom lip. (R: ಠ_ಠ) He thinks touching her is a mistake, mostly because his body responds immediately. Alessia draws in a breath and widens her eyes. Max drops his hand and apologizes, and thinks about what Caroline said about Alessia secretly liking him. Alessia says she has to go and runs off, leaving her rain boots behind.
Max tries to run out after her, but she’s gone. He takes a look at them and sees that the soles are pretty much worn through. He thinks about how penniless she must be, so I repeat to Max:
Rebecca: He fucking. Three times dwells on how poor she must be and doesn’t once think: Oh shit maybe I should pay her more. You know now that I’m typing it, that’s just exactly how it is huh? Cool.
Mari: Never once connects her money situation to how much he pays her, amazing.
Max thinks about her soft lips some more before joining Oliver in the drawing room. Oliver asks who the woman was, since he doesn’t have her on any of the employee rosters. Max explains that she’s the daily, and he pays her cash. Oliver says they need to get her on payroll because he’s the Earl now and paying people under the table would be frowned upon. Max starts realizing what may be the problem here when Oliver asks for her details, whether she’s from here, if she’s studying here, etc. Max promises to get all the details and changes the subject to his other staff.
We cut to Alessia running to the bus stop, not really knowing why she’s running. Even though Max told her she could keep playing, she isn’t sure whether or not to believe him. She thinks about him touching her lip, and asks herself if this isn’t what she wants. But no! She can’t think about him possibly liking her. Even if he did help her into her coat.
Sweeney: It is extremely funny to me that these two ding dongs ~*secretly*~ wanna fuck each other but can’t believe it could possibly be mutual but the thing that made Alessia go “well maybe” was… the fact that he helped her into her coat.
Rebecca: Not even the lip stroking! Just the coat. Girl, anyone who strokes your mouth is either into you or is your dentist.
Mari: Words to live by.
She realizes that she left her boots, but doesn’t want to interrupt his meeting by going back for them. She thinks that would for sure make him mad. Instead she think she’ll get them on Friday, if she still has a job. She does have two other houses she cleans, but she’s got other problems too: Magda and her son Michal (a-ha) are emigrating to Canada soon, and Alessia will need to find a new place to stay. She knows that the 100 pounds per week Magda charges for the room is a steal, primarily because Michal let her use his computer and she did some research.
“Her heart warms when she thinks about Michal. He is generous with his time and his computer. Alessia’s knowledge of the cyber world is limited, as her father was strict with the use of the old computer at home. But Michal is not. He is all over social media. Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat– Michal loves them all. She smiles thinking of the selfie he took yesterday of the two of them. He likes to take selfies.”
I CACKLED. Real smooth just throwing this out here. I don’t know if I’m rooting for Max finding a selfie of them two and this being significant, or for Alessia just casually musing about selfies and this means nothing.
We cut back to Max just as Oliver finishes going through the whole staff roster. Next point of business, Oliver wants Max to tour and inspect his estates. Max is like, “uh, why?” Oliver says he’s the boss now and it would show the staff that he cares is committed to them and the estates’ longevity. In a weird reaction, Max says his mother would have is head on a plate if he felt anything less. This segues into the fact that his mom imparted love of family history and legacy into Kit. Maryanne, who was a curious child, also learned. Max, if you are just joining us, is useless.
Rebecca: But at least he admits he’s a spoiled child here. Also if he leaves town for a bit, he won’t be able to stare at the Thames all the time so. That’ll be nice.
Mari: Max growls (R: rawr!) that of course he’s committed, but Oliver thinks the staff don’t know that. Especially since the last time he was there, it was Kit’s funeral and Max got messy drunk. Max is defensive, because he was in mourning. Oliver says he knows, but he still has some bridges to mend. Max offers to schedule a trip in the next few weeks, but Oliver is like “how about now?” Oliver has already cleared his schedule for the next few days. Oliver repeats that this will really help the estate staff’s impression of him. Max gives in and they are leaving tomorrow. Even though he doesn’t want to leave Alessia.
“Well, I don’t want to leave Alessia.
My daily.”
Did you know Alessia was his daily? Wild, right?
Next time on The Mister: Max visits his seats of wealth or whatever in Chapter 07.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I am a book, movie, and TV fanatic over the age of 30. I love baking, video games, and D&D. Legally I must tell you I am a disaster. I've written like 6 novels but haven't had the real courage to query agents yet, and also I don't know how to make decisions (DISASTER). So please send me wine for Courage. Maybe a heart too. Oh and also a brain.
